| both concerts were splendid |
[Aug. 26th, 2007|10:59 pm] |
I cannot write with music playing, or while latched onto the coattails of an energetic mind. Finding the right balance of activity and involvement has been a difficult thing lately, especially because my desk and typewriter and the bottle of india ink remain idle and far away. Instead of flattening myself into the lanquid state of distance, alienation and ever-present departure, I have made what can hurt me into a source not of inspiration, but one that is the flood threatening to seep under my door, cover my ankles, and wash away the badge of courage that are my accomplishments- which shrink to near invisible levels as my hows reach the new high watermark.
This really is a skill that has been discovered only during my recent sojourn back into michigan. A friend mentioned to me that there is a strength behind my eyes that had not existed before- but it was not forceful strength. This really made me start thinking if what this person saw was my newfound ability to turn crushing reality into a wash of desire to complete my infernal machinations that seep to the surface of my hands, my mouth, my body.
Upon the idea of strength, I laugh at the thought of knowing truly what we are made of at any given moment. We find what we are when the survival trip begins.
The thought of failure, the thought that the cold waters of medocrity are lapping my toes is what makes my heart beat like a furnace to move sound, move letters, move myself and others.
I no longer have time to entertain those who no longer look past their own noses. I know who these people are.
I'm happy to have shared what I have to share with all the amazing people I have met- you are the people I want to move and want to match in your cascade of constructive creation. I accept the challenge, and I will thank you for being who you are.
This update has been fun for once, and isn't a half-hearted attempt at a sound bite or nervous hand-wringing. comments welcome, as if I need to really ask. |
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| escolta |
[Aug. 16th, 2007|12:10 am] |
let's clear the air, and just say all those things out loud. something i wanted to do/did on sunday night/monday morning. listen to me and stop mucking about, realize it's okay to be completely fucked to someone. i don't care if you think i don't want to know, deal with me after dealing with yourself.
forgive me if I am late. it's easy to be invisible and disappear, and i think you know that.
Oh yeah, I have a few places to stay when I'm in europe, now. |
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| do not castigate me |
[Aug. 7th, 2007|12:32 am] |
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for i've been in an awful place the past few days, and my mind needed to spill over. I only want what I want, and i can't be sorry for that. I can be sorry for what i have said, but now i just want your mind to splay itself over my ears. damn me. |
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| i hate titles. |
[Aug. 7th, 2007|12:09 am] |
I hate titles.
My relationship with L couldn't be normal. We've been living together for a few months, in a overstuffed ramshackle apartment that leaves the taste of copper pennies and cheap cigarettes on my breath.
There's far too much kitsch, with L being the overly sweet trendy twenty something that doesn't mind an apartment full of god damn stupid antique clocks and broken candle holders. Kicking more recently acquired 1950's era chinese lanterns off my bedside desk gave me some semblance of sick passive aggressive enjoyment. Needless to say I dont have much control of what goes in or on in my dwelling. I'm certainly not a weak-willed person- I just don't care anymore. Living with a self-obsessed mercenary shrew of a woman such as this would wear any chinaski down to marrow and ashes.
I know I don't love her, but she's letting me go out with her tonight.
"what should I wear?"
"blue jeans. green shirt. this jacket."
"hat?"
"no hat, tonight. find my keys."
I know where they are- on the nightstand she never dusts, behind her alarm clock she never sets. Tonight
might be special. My mind will dare to think we're going on a date. A date might suggest an evening of whathaveyou, comfortable or forced, the space between a one and two diminished with candid inaccuracy. Please, please let me have that thought.
"E, you're driving," L spoke with distant yet direct authority as she checked the mirror one last time. No blemishes, no disappearances of the supervixen lying in wait, brown hair green eyes risque mouth. I know she knows.
Why i can enjoy the misgivings of some circumstances, I don't know. She's letting me go out with her tonight. I can like falling asleep freezing cold. It's not about deserved suffering or anything- it could be in the same category as the feeling you get when you laugh out loud alone, or self-love in its many forms.
I get as much as she will let me have. I live as much as she lets me live. Wait, I love her. That can be the only reason I do this.
I've learned to not say anything referring her and I anymore. The lesson is being learned from the other direction now. Nothing is said, and that my friends, hurts me about as much as I deserve. I want things to work out, and continue being as they are. Sometimes I feel trivialized
by the offhand belittlement, I'm better at dealing with it now. I know what she might be doing too, and I'm falling endlessly for her..
No. I can't be doing this. I can't love you.
I didn't mean to become a bootlicker; I didn't mean to forget to do her ironing last night because she has a job interview and a date with some creep tomorrow. I'll sulk, remain brooding with childlike foolishness, waiting for a reaction. After the look, the short indifferent half smile three teeth pity stare, we'll return to our duties- me remaining transfixed on what could be for dinner if you would god damn it go to the store or is there anything i could do to make you more comfortable?
All it really takes is one look. Don't ever touch me.
Never bleed the wide border between omnipotence and codependent cowardice- To defile her with me would spill my inkwell in her desk drawer we are never getting this out why would you do such a thing?
Drive the nail easily into possibility- should I just become the next Velluti?
I can only serve her.. I can't part from the reality I've built to keep myself from moving an inch. an altered mind is the only thing useful to me now. I don't care if she loves me. It doesn't matter.
I'll go.
"are we going, or are you just going to stand there?"
Her pity on a Monday night saved my soul. I took a cab back to our place. She decided to take what might be construed as another lover home, and felt cheap riding in his car. She'll let him fend for himself as he leaves the next morning, right about the time I wake her up with her toast and coffee before I trod to work.
dear L,
It's becoming more and more difficult to be around you. with company, or without. I can't deal with your jealousy-inducing magnetism.
I play the great host with others- I'll take the blame and you take the credit. always. You know I feel like i do very easily when it
comes to your spreading of seeds over the past year or so. There isn't a time when I look at you that I don't feel like I'm being pushed away.
I don't want you, I just want to believe I could have you.
What really is true is that I love you. I love you and cannot begin to describe how lowly that makes me feel. I know you don't know this. I couldn't be anything else. I am your willing subordinate. I would destroy all that which keeps me together, stepping out from under your thumb, to profess a love that would only serve to undo my bond to you. So I will say nothing; and save my role as your retainer.
-E
I know this won't ever be left on her nightstand, never placed with careless premeditation on her car seat.
What we are is what i desire to be. half is her, and half is me climbing from the floor to my knees, clutching her legs, staring with pleading eyes for approval.
I love her. |
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| Hyperreality |
[Aug. 6th, 2007|02:23 am] |
I'll dispense with pleasantries of returning to this cesspool of non-content, and start in.
Wearing plaid socks.
We're hit with a familiar sting lately. Something that has happened before, although a familiar feeling is not more easily welcomed than it was in its previous visit. the lull of the maybe phone call or trifle contact shows itself with ambivalence. I can easily give little or no effort into the trappings of becoming an attachment when i already know I am being repelled. why must I be so interested or otherwise?
so thoroughly unattached, without bond and existing with only the mutual sick feeling of breathing pure oxygen. There is resistance of which I am aware of but do not know the nature of; I only can think of too much alcohol and it's effects upon your ability to distinguish between what you want and what you might want.
this whole thing could reinforce my self deprecating feelings- might be more creative or more attractive or more dirty or more careless or more anything. this experience is substandard standby without merit or worth.
meh.this whole subject makes me want to wrap my car around an oak tree. isn't this great? |
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| poof! |
[Jan. 6th, 2007|07:37 pm] |
whoop hello
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| oh no! |
[Dec. 4th, 2006|08:43 pm] |
go to myspace.com/lemele
whoopie! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 3rd, 2005|08:23 am] |
hey! this journal is going under a period of disrepair.
myspace.com/lemele. thats where im at.
i might post some backdated stuff, thats been sitting on my pc here, though.
ill think about it though.
dates range from may of 2004 to august 31, 2004. interesting time in my life, to say the least.
theres updated on the lj within these dates.. but there was stuff i didnt want to post. its for me.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|10:20 pm] |
have you ever put so much into a certain something, and thought you weren't doing it well enough? and by thinking this,
you feel you don't deserve good things in life, or to be happy.
this feeling grips me, and holds fast.
its something thats come up recently..
anyways, ive got a good feeling about certain things. others, not so much. im average ambivalence right now.
whoo-hoo. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|01:02 am] |
haha im lame.
i have a myspace page. its under the jsciba@lycos.com email. hooray. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|08:01 pm] |
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"When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life as such that when you die, the world will cry and you shall rejoice." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|08:12 pm] |
update: right leg finished. moving to left leg.
update: i now weigh 151
update: i bought a pedal steel
update: feel like i have a sucking wound when im in my apartment.
update: i would give everything just to have something.
u |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2005|08:53 pm] |
hello today. its been fun. everything is just as it should be right now.
im happy.
at least im getting there.
run away with me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 20th, 2005|05:18 pm] |
trying
burning hard against what may try to end me. stress is not going to hurt me.
i got my hair trimmed today. it looks good. like it did, but better.
not drastic.
doing all i can do to help those i love is making me get out of bed in the morning. all of you.
anything at all, just ask.
pissing off the world,
like I said once.
its ok to feel like this though
just go there and feel better. |
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| we dont like spiders.. |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|03:31 pm] |
reading like a madman again. its great.
listening like a pig again. so much to devour.
please resume feeling, jon. things are beautiful and so are you, my dear.
hey.
what a great weekend. so much more for my brain to enliven itself with.
so much more to prove that im not an unhappy person.
even though i wasnt at first.. i got very comfortable looking completely out of place. that jacket was hot..
if you asked me to run naked through the grand rapids art museum during a school field trip day, i would.
reluctant at first.. but afterwards i would have thought, "why was i even hesitant?"
more to attack, more to find out about, more ground to cover.
thank you for making it possible.
work is nutty. im a mess there. i try to keep it together with mass amounts of productivity and planning. every day is a plan of attack.
hm. i wanted to quit my job last night and become a writer. really. i can tell you this.
more later. |
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| this time its not so heavy to lift |
[Mar. 24th, 2005|09:26 pm] |
hey journal.
events, activities, stuff has taken place. a lot of fun has been had, and a lot of work has taken place.
fun with my friends and with everything. fun with k, especially on a day where we both had things to do the next day.. it was fantastic though. i hope it did her some good.
saw a really shitty movie, and a movie with some bright spots.. although somewhat eh..
i feel kinda feverish right now. i hope it isnt anything.
dont know what the hell is going on this weekend. maybe there is something good waiting for me that i havent discovered.
we aren't supposed to stay the same. ive definately changed over these past few years.. finding who i am.
during this time you really find out who your friends are and who you love.
after all these changes, i still love:
my friends
my brothers
my parents
the guitar(a feisty mistress it is, sometimes i just want to break it)
K.
"death is putting your shoes on for the last time and not knowing it
chinaski said that. i think its amazing.
i took the quotes away.. it seems to inflate words too much. hallmark card 7-11 wisdom is dispensed and put into stupid quotes far too often. its really depressing.
dont worry, we'll think of some emotions for you- we here at hallmark know the vast interworkings of the human brain, we'll do it!
been moody lately. going from having spring fever to really being down. peaks and valleys.. i just wish i didnt get motion sickness on the way up or down.
another note-
dont worry about me and what i think, or think too much. sometimes my brain bums me out hard.
i just need to remember that you tell me the same thing. don't worry about me.
here, there and everywhere.
no disappearing act for me, thanks.
oh yeah, and i forgot.
forget all those bad things i said about modest mouse.
that is all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2005|04:07 pm] |
great, im a freak. ive got a cyst in my right eye.
its not comfortable at all.. and i look hideous.
maybe its what i get for being an idiot. ha ha, right.
bored today. not much to do.
im thinking about you. you are always on my mind. its always good.
i get scared sometimes. its me. i do it to myself. im sorry.
time to go home. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2005|06:17 am] |
im not sleeping.
get me off this fucking shitheap earth. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2005|03:59 am] |
| [ | music |
| | uncle tupelo- still be around | ] |
some day you'll break your wonderful back.
im tired. so tired. been a great past two days though. thank you for everything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 10th, 2005|03:39 pm] |
hello there.
im playing more and more piano. its a fun time, although im still kinda shy about it. im not a fuckin jukebox, for one. ive been at it about 2 1/2 months. like i said, i enjoy it.
work is alright. busy. fun some of the time.
k brought me lunch the other day. it was nice of her. despite her meaness to others, i think im not on her list. thats good. shes good.
on another subject- ive got to forget. forget fast. separation is key. everything will be okay, cause you are a happy guy.
lets talk about guitars for a sec.
i thought about buying a rickenbacker the other day. george harrision, etc. you know. very chime-y.
after talking with aj.. he advised against it, a little too funny to play and the neck is too small.
hm. well, i guess its outta the question considering i would be emulating some other aging pretentious singer/guitar player in some candyass local band, whom i would take pleasure in murdering. so godawful.
anyways. enough of that.
maybe some violence would help me out in some way. maybe i need a release of that kind. might do me some good.
running sporadically lately. its fucking cold.
feeling like a disgusting waste of life only 55% of the time. god i think i look hideous.
thank you, k. i know you dont feel that way about me, and i appreciate it.
morelater |
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